The Insane-O-Meter I'm very excited about this new area of the Crappy Page, as it gives me the opportunity to flex my psycho-analytical muscles. As many of you know, Tim has begun his medical school adventures in Baltimore, Maryland. He is quite strapped for time, so often he sends out group emails to keep many of us posted as to the local happenings. This is a recapitulation of these letters and my scientificly derived interpretation of the level of insanity that they imply.
Direct excerpts from Tim's emails. Insane-O-Meter readings and a breif analysis:
Dearest Joefess,
i like the new joe's crappy!! it is quite swell. did you ever look for other crappy pages on the net?? i typed in crappy to find your page and got like six billion hits...
toodles - timmy

He was always a little off kilter, but none the less, still very normal at this stage.

Dear People I love,
this is my first group e-mail that i think i ever wrote... i am not going to write anything long right now because i don't really have any exciting news except that i am alive and well and have not been mugged yet. for those of you who don't know, i am in baltimore going to the university of maryland medical school... and make sure you all remember one thing - i love yins all, i love yins all
with hugs and kisses,

I was very proud at this point. He was holding on tightly to his attempts to be "The Average Joe".

dear people i love,
...we meet our cadavers on thursday (i think) and i am hoping for a skinny stiff because i hear the fat boys suck because you spend all day scraping fat out of the body. i also get a cool bag of bones here pretty soon. yep, we all get to take a skeleton home to our apartments. someone think of a cool name for mine. i will have to take a few pictures of me and my bones... check out joe's crappy page... i can guarantee this page will make you giggle like a little girl and i give it a full 5 gallons of 2% milk... med school has not made me crazy yet, but i am looking forward to the day it does. come one come all to see my pumpkin orange apartment in baltimore. yes- the carpet is orange, but i still love it...
i love yins all,

I think it was the fact that they did not try to acclimate him; they just threw him into the great med-school centrifuge. Something clearly broke at this point, although his mental vessel was still loosely holding on to its integrity.

i just wanted to let you all know that you shoore does have a rill priddy mouff ain't he?? squeal like a pig!!!!!!!

This little flare up really scared me. However, although it rates semi-high, it was not a major threat, because it was a small isolated incident.

Dear everyone,
i was sent this message by a dear friend of mine. she doesn't know if the message is real or not, and i don't know if it is real or not, but what the heck. it seems worth a try. i could use 5 grand or a free trip. go ahead and send the message to others if you think it is valid:

WALT DISNEY JR. GREETINGHello Disney fans, And thank you for signing up for Bill Gates' Beta Email Tracking My name is Walt Disney Jr. Here at Disney we are working with Microsoft which has just compiled an e-mail tracing program that tracks everyone to whom this message is forwarded to. It does this through an unique IP (Internet Protocol) address log book database. We are experimenting with this and need your help. Forward this to everyone you know and if it reaches 13,000 people, 1,300 of the people on the list will receive $5,000, and the rest will receive a free trip for two to Disney World for one week during the summer of 1999 at our expense. Enjoy.
Note: Duplicate entries will not be counted. You will be notified by email with further instructions once this email has reached 13,000 people.
Your friends,
Walt Disney Jr., Disney, Bill Gates, & The Microsoft
Development Team.

This one's a little tricky. At first glance you might say, "Mr. Freud, what's all the fuss? He sounds normal enough." No, not the case at all. This one shows how the subject's perception of reality is fading fast, even to the point that he is susceptible to outragous lies or claims such as the Disney/Microsoft chain mail. He has entered a new deeper stage of his descent at this point.

Hi everyone,
... i think the last time i wrote was before i met my cadaver. i met him on thursday. it is weird to walk in a room with 32 cadavers and 141 students who are about to cut these dead people... the first thing we had to do was roll our cadavers from lying on their backs to lying on their stomachs. it is weird to pick up a 180 pound dead person and roll them so that you can begin cutting them. anyway, my cadaver is a older male who is not fat (thankfully!!!) we have not named the cadaver yet, but i am leaning towards felix or victor...
oh yeah i just remembered a funny story. today i was in gross lab and some guy got really pissed off and bit his cadaver in the back of the neck. it reminded me a lot of when courtney beat me up this summer and took a chuck out of my neck (i still have a scar). then that reminded me of when the girl beat up chris at shannon and shelby's wedding. well needless to say, i began giggling like a little girl (and squealing like a pig). so then this professor came up to me and said i wasn't acting very professional so i proceeded to darken his eye until it was brown. one of the other profs saw this and approached me so i had to warn him not to come any closer or i would have to darken his eye too. then i had to do the crane followed by a double axel cartwheel into a flying phalange kick!!! well this caused quite some confusion and so i got kicked out of lab for the day.
i am afraid that if things don't soon go my way, then i will be showing my priddy smile to a lot of people. i almost broke out the 18 ounces of pure steel, but i didn't want to scare anyone too much. you may wonder how i have had the time to write this long letter. it is because i am taking a 15 minute break which has turned into 20 so i must go. i love yins all and miss you bunches.
p.s. ... oh yeah, i was informed by a good source that we all won the tickets to disney land, except me - i got the 5 grand.
peace out g-moneys
hugs and kisses
your cutest cutey pie

There is a certain threshold that separates the normal from the abnormal and the abnormal from the really freaky. I'll let you guess which threshold was crossed at this point in Tim's life.

Hi y'all,
i just wanted to let you all know that: i went to a party last saturday night, but do not worry because i did not get laid, but i did get in a fight. oh yes, i went to a party last saturday night, but i didn't get laid i got in a fight. isn't that ironic???? everyone should write rocky a love letter to let him know how much we miss him. i remember the days of our band FOXXY. we sure did rock!! i was the F, slippy was the O, rocky was the X, tigger was the X, and furry was the Y. we used to write songs like david hasslehoff and she's in love with a japanese man who wrecked in his plane and it made a real loud crash, but he was her only love. i could jive like there was no other. i even shook my buttox in a funny circular fashion that made the girls go crazy with jealousy. is it any wonder, with a smile like that, i could get any girl i wanted. speaking of slippy. has anyone heard from him lately? last i saw him was right around when his family quit working on the cafeteria. oh those were the days, when his uncle would slide down the beams and his grandpa would yell obseneties at us. slippy was the lead singer of FOXXY, and his dream was to one day meet ZENA. she is like a warrior princess or something, and she likes to fight people like conan and hercules. she works it like no other.
so today i had a cool experince with my cadaver. our body had some really messed up lungs (i won't go into detail), but apparently something that is very rare. all the professors were really impressed, and all 141 students got to come through and check out our cadaver. it was our groups claim to fame. pretty sick, ay? speaking of ay, how is zed? i haven't heard from the canadien, and i wonder why. i miss seeing all of his tricks and seeing him get so red hot when chris beats him in hockey like 10 games in a row. and i miss seeing his smooth dance moves that really get me going. well, i must go now and study about pleural cavities and the contents of the mediastinum. just remember one thing, grammy baltzer taught me this: silent night, holy night, aaaaaaall is calm, aaaaaall is bright and just remember one thing, i love yins all . . . i love yins all p.s... love me and squeeze me and give me hugs and kisses with a little sugar on middle.

He is seeing his life flash before his eyes. He can envision his former life, but he sees it through a heavily distorted, and apparently tie-dyed, lens.

pearl jam is good. pearl jam is bad. i love to be a pearl in a jam. so how was the concert? did eddie sing a song to you? last time i went to one of his concerts, he asked me to sing a duet with him. i sang a song about despite all of my rage, i still am just a rat in a cage.
love, the man who does surgery on stiffs

He can make certain simple associations, but their reality is skewed, and the wires get crossed.

he he he ha ha ha - they must have taken my marbles away - crazy
i love yins all.
thanks for all the e-mail.
time for bed (early tonight) talk to yins later.
the coolest medical student that i know

Uhhmmm. Does this need any commentary?

...elvis ate america before america ate him. i should know tomorrow about whether we got the stomp tickets...
gots to go

He's holding steady. You can do it Tim, you can do it!

hey rosie, how are you. i am tired (ughh)! i am tired, but i gots lots of studying done today... i did some DNA testing on my cadaver today, after i got done cutting his heart apart, and i came to the conclusion that i do indeed have an alien life form. my teachers say that this automatically makes me a qualified surgeon, and so i am starting my career next week.
if you have any surgeries you need done, let me know, and i will give you a reduced rate. remember, i know everything that i need to know (the blade cuts, the stitches close up the cuts). i am pumped and ready to go...
i just wanted to tell you one more thing.
i am a barbie girl
and this is my barbie world.

It's bad. It's very very bad.

hi everyone,
...i have actually picked up on some of the [ jive ]. for instance: i got no love fo' ho's, i'm out the do". this actually means: that i have acquired very little appreciation for women who choose the career of prostitution, and so now i am going to exit the premise through the rear entrance. it is really complicated stuff, but as i am becoming more educated in this area, i will keep you posted so that you too may be a "jive-worthy" person.
...there was this other thing that i just remembered too, someone named my cadaver. he named it a cadaverolet. i kind of like that name, it reminds me a lot of my cadaver because cheverolets are built like a rock, and my cadaver feels kind of like a rock. therefore, his name will now be cadaverolet.
one last thing, there is a kitty on my foot and i would like to touch it. oh yes, there is a kitty on my food and i would like to touch it. little dune buggy in the sand.
with much hearfelt joy and laughter,

I do believe that this is the semi-calm before the storm. (Although it is still quite turbulent.)

hi peoples,
i was just thinking about: skew in my belly, skew in my belly. jer my guarian anjil. tay in the win jer, tay in the win. allatay, allaway, tay in the win jay, tay in the win.
the other day when i was going to class, i heard the old calling noise. you know, the deep throat uuuuggghhh. it's a sound i often miss most about harding, but i heard it. well immediately i began looking around fully expecting to see chris or jimmy or one of the othern's from harding. but instead i saw a man who had just been run over by a bus yelling uuuuuggggghhhh. i was really mad, but i helped him into shock and trauma anyway. talk about a disappointing way to start the day. oh well, poop happens.
i love yins all. - tim

Look out! She's gonna blow!!!